


Humping Like Tigers and Bunnies

by Kantayra



Category: Tiger & Bunny
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Porn Watching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 18:05:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was inevitable that, sooner or later, an enterprising young porn director would decide to shoot a porno off Wild Tiger and Barnaby Brooks, Jr.’s epic bromance. And just as inevitable was the fact that whichever of the other heroes found out about it first would bring it in to Hero TV the next day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Humping Like Tigers and Bunnies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Suaine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suaine/gifts).



It was inevitable that, sooner or later, an enterprising young porn director would decide to shoot a porno off Wild Tiger and Barnaby Brooks, Jr.’s epic bromance. It was just a matter of time.

And just as inevitable was the fact that whichever of the other heroes found out about it first would bring it in to Hero TV the next day.

“This is stupid,” Barnaby scowled, arms crossed and fur clearly ruffled.

“B-But!” Kotetsu stuttered, wide-eyed and horrified at the very concept.

“‘Humping Like Tigers and Bunnies’?” Ivan quoted skeptically. “I guess it’s better than ‘Rock Hard Bison’…”

“Don’t remind me,” Antonio groaned at the memorable afternoon when Nathan had found _that_ floating around the internet.

“Does Barnaby actually wear bunny ears?” Pao-Lin asked hopefully.

“It’s not actually _me_!” Barnaby pointed out in exasperation. And then, after a beat, “Please tell me I don’t actually wear bunny ears?”

“They’re _pink_!” Nathan enthused because, _of course_ , he’d been the one to bring this latest abomination in.

“Let’s watch it!” Pao-Lin actually did a little hop.

“Wait a minute!” Kotetsu protested. “Aren’t you too young for this sort of thing?”

“I think we’re _all_ too young for this sort of thing,” Karina huffed in the back. Of those gathered, she was the only one who looked as irritated by the whole state of affairs as Barnaby.

If Kotetsu hadn’t been so busy being traumatized, he might have wondered why. Oh, who are we kidding? If Kotetsu hadn’t been so busy being traumatized, he would have remained as thoroughly oblivious as ever.

“You’re just still mad about ‘The Ice-Queen Cometh’,” Antonio jibed.

Karina’s cheeks burned red. “Shut up,” she huffed.

“I don’t think we should watch this.” Keith had his hands over his eyes preemptively. “What would all the children out there say if they knew that their beloved heroes watched this smut?”

“We’re watching this,” Ivan snickered.

“Oh, are we _ever_ watching this,” Nathan agreed and hit play.

“Well, _I’m_ not,” Karina insisted and strutted out. She took pity on Keith on the way and dragged him out with her by one elbow, since his hands were still firmly smashed over his eyes.

“I don’t believe this,” Barnaby pointedly began to leave too, but then the movie began and his eyes flitted curiously to the screen for just a second. It was enough to halt his escape dead in its tracks. “That doesn’t even look like me!” he objected, outraged. “For one, he’s about five-two. Also: I do _not_ wear mascara!”

“He’s blond and has the glasses. What more do you expect from these things?” Antonio chuckled.

Barnaby glared at him.

“I’m with you, Bunny,” Kotetsu agreed. “He looks nothing like you.”

“Thank you,” Barnaby sighed in relief.

“He’s _much_ cuter.”

Barnaby returned immediately to seething.

“Although,” Kotetsu scratched his head, “why do I have a moustache? I’ve never had a moustache.”

“I guess that’s what they call a pornstache,” Ivan commented.

“It looks better than that _thing_ on your chin now,” Barnaby huffed.

“Aww,” Kotetsu teased, “is Bunny still mad that I found someone else cuter?”

“Shut up.”

“But he’s wearing those cute bunny ears.”

“Shut up!”

“And he’s got that cute, little, fluffy cotton tail!”

“Shut _up_ already!”

“And—Eh?” Kotetsu was cut off mid-taunt. “Why are we making out all of a sudden?”

“You missed the ‘plot,’” Pao-Lin informed him.

“But it’s been less than a minute!”

“Bunny said ‘I need to work some kinks out after all that crime-fighting’ and you said ‘I’ll work your kinks out,’” Pao-Lin summarized.

“How is that a _plot_?” Kotetsu screeched.

“It’s a ‘plot,’” Pao-Lin corrected. “Can you two stop interrupting? Some of us are trying to watch this.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Nathan hummed contentedly when ‘Wild Tiger’ pulled down ‘Bunny’s skin-tight jeans and bent him over a bench in what was supposed to be their changing room, but looked more like someone’s garage made up to resemble a brothel.

“ _Grrr,_ ” said ‘Wild Tiger,’ “ _I’m feeling WILD!_ ”

“I would never say that!” Kotetsu protested.

Barnaby’s eye twitched. “You _have_ said that. In interviews. Repeatedly.”

“Okay, fine, ten years ago, back when I was still a little confused over my image and—”

“You said it _last month_. On the Early Show.”

“I did not!”

“Luckily, I covered for you.”

“You did not!”

“How much do you want to bet? It’s still online.”

“Err…” Kotetsu found himself in the terrifying predicament of having to face the fact that he _did_ say stupid things like that in interviews. “Whatever,” he huffed and crossed _his_ arms over his chest, too, for good measure.

“Fine,” Barnaby agreed.

On screen, ‘Bunny’ said, “ _Stick that big dick in me, Tiger!_ ”

“Nothing like you at _all_ ,” Kotetsu muttered.

“ _Good_ ,” Barnaby huffed back.

“ _Give it to me good!_ ” ‘Bunny’ moaned.

Kotetsu and Barnaby both blushed and pointedly did not look at each other.

Nathan sighed. “Why don’t _I_ ever get good porno like this?” He watched enviously as ‘Wild Tiger’ flipped ‘Bunny’ onto his back with a “ _rowl!_ ” that was probably supposed to be a growl.

Ivan snickered. “You mean you didn’t _like_ ‘Fire Emblem vs. Five Feisty Sorority Foxes’?”

“Why am I always in _straight_ porn?” Nathan bemoaned.

“The revenge of the porn industry,” Pao-Lin munched on popcorn and watched ‘Bunny’ contort into a truly improbable position. “Hey, do you think that guy’s a NEXT? That shouldn’t be possible…”

Barnaby eyed the screen skeptically. “Technically, I suppose hundred-power could make someone a hundred times more flexible, which—” He froze mid-sentence when he realized what he was suggesting.

Pao-Lin’s cheeks flushed.

Kotetsu gaped at him.

Nathan tried not to drool.

Ivan gulped.

Even Antonio looked a bit dazed.

“Stop thinking about it!” Barnaby snapped.

Which, of course, was impossible, now that everyone knew that Barnaby could theoretically make himself superhumanly flexible.

“The old man here could do the same thing,” Barnaby insisted.

“That is nowhere near as hot,” Pao-Lin shook her head slowly.

“It really isn’t,” Kotetsu agreed. And then: “Hey!”

“Whatever,” Barnaby turned to leave. “This is juvenile anyway. Plus, I think they’ve run through all their dialogue…such as it was.” He stalked off.

Nathan swallowed. “Okay. I think I’ve found something even better than ‘Humping Like Tigers and Bunnies’ to fill my fantasies for tonight.”

Pao-Lin nudged Kotetsu. “Maybe you should go after him. He seemed…upset.”

“Yeah,” Antonio teased. “You wouldn’t want the Missus mad at you. Especially now you know about his secret flexibility power.”

Kotetsu gave Antonio an exasperated look and chased after Barnaby. “Hey, Bunny! Come back! I didn’t mean it! I promise!”

Nathan, Ivan, Antonio, and Pao-Lin watched them go.

Then, Pao-Lin snickered. “Just like a wild tiger.”

“Hunting a little bunny,” Ivan picked up on her train of thought.

Nathan stretched out his long fingers into a clawing motion: “Rowl!”

Laughter followed Kotetsu’s retreat.

“Wait up, Bunny!” Oblivious to the endless teasing they would forever have to endure, Kotetsu finally caught up to Barnaby. “I swear, I think you’re just as cute as he was!”

Barnaby stiffened. “You’re just making things worse,” he said in exasperation.

Kotetsu scratched his head. “But you _are_ plenty cute. When you want to be.”

“The fact that you say things like that in interviews is why movies like _that_ exist in the first place,” Barnaby sighed.

“That, and the fact that you blush when I say them,” Kotetsu said with a sudden, surprising lack of obliviousness.

Barnaby blushed. “I do _not_ ,” he lied.

Kotetsu gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Let’s just forget about the whole thing, all right?”

“Like _they’re_ going to let us forget.”

Kotetsu grinned crazily. “Don’t worry about that. You’ll never guess what I found last night.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Even heard of ‘Sky High: Mile High’?” Kotetsu persisted mercilessly.

“I knew I didn’t want to know…”

“And you’ll never guess what they do with that horn on the front of his helmet.”

Barnaby shook his head in horror when he correctly guessed. “All right, fine. You’re forgiven.”

“Aww!” Kotetsu gave him a friendly squeeze. “See? I always knew you were the cutest all along.”

Barnaby just sighed wearily. At this rate, it was only a matter of time before ‘Humping Like Tigers and Bunnies 2’ came out.


End file.
